My name is Mathis, I’m black & white. Being a “light skin black guy” or mulatto, biracial, mixed, whatever, it has its pros and cons. As I grew up, I’ve dealt with many black people saying “You can’t say nigga, you’re white” or “White boy” and every other stupid insulting epithet on that side of the spectrum, then I’ve been called the other bad words white people use also. Some black people have this disdain for people like me simply because I’m mixed with White (my mom’s side of the family). I’ll tell you now that it is really, really hard being born this way. You get treated indifferently by both sides of the spectrum based on the color of your skin (American mentality).
You’re either too light skin to be part of this made up black revolution (not the real one that’s been going on since the 60s) that’s going to happen, or you’re black and too much into white stuff, or you’re too wealthy for a black person, or you’re the president (finally), or you’re “something” that doesn’t fit the description of a “black revolutionary’s” interest. This happens with black people also. It’s kind of like that scene in Fresh Prince; the scene where you see Carlton in the fraternity club that was all about black pride. The guy didn’t want Carlton part of that club because he wasn’t “like them.” His persona didn’t fit the “black description.”
You really notice the “tug-of-war” type of mentality when you’re me. I love black culture, but I grew up with a mixture of so many beautiful things with all cultures in this country. I’ve learned the history of everything bad and good. Rarely am I bias to anything or anybody unless I have a valid reason backed by facts or a very solid ass opinion.
I don’t live my life to spread love (that’s cliché bullshit), I live my life to understand this bullshit mess America has gotten me into! I innately love already so I don’t have to make that an expression or point to cross. I don’t know how your son/daughter will be treated during their generation, but growing up in mine, it was/is a puzzle. I got a lot of shit from both sides and you kinda sit in the middle spectrum, but you know that you’re black and there’s no changing that.
I remember when I was 15 in school, a black kid was sitting behind me saying, that I can’t say “nigga” ‘cause I’m “white,” I turned around, looked him in his eyes and said “nigga, shut yo ass up.” He looked at me and asked “what you say?” Like he didn’t hear me, and I was like “you heard me, nigga.” I looked over to the teacher and she looked at me weird, but she understood and didn’t say nothing, then I continued my work. Surprisingly, I didn’t get into a fight after school that day. These are the type of situations that might happen when you’re me.
A list of insults/microaggressions I’ve been called since I was able to comprehend words:
- White Nigger
- White boy
- House negro
- Nigger (obviously)
- Slim Shady
- Kinda pale
- Hot yellow (High-yellow)
- “Devil’s skin” (insult from a Haitian)
- “You need some sun.”
- Edomite (something religious related to Esau)
- Rat (Uninformed black people that thinks all white people are born with tails like a rat and are cut off)
- A plethora of memes
I’ve been called on about my skin color ever since I can remember. Dealing with black people is just as hard, but not equal to dealing with white people. I’ve dealt with black people relating my skin color to a characteristic (like it’s an actual thing), saying “that’s that light skin shit” like other people that are different colors doesn’t do anything a human my color does. It’s just like the characteristics for each zodiac sign; people tend to focus the traits to that one sign like the other ones doesn’t have any of them at all. It’s a focus and belief issue. Misperceptions through inaccurate interpretations of race, color, and character.
These people think they got the answers to this type of thing, but they aren’t standing in the fucking middle, looking around like I am. Imagine standing in the middle of a circle of white and black people, but you’re outside of your body, looking at it from above; this is the best analogy that I can describe my perspective on this race issue.
I hate using the word “race” sometimes because it’s an ambiguous word and people tend to misunderstand the word a lot in different conversations of the same topic, but I’m gonna use it anyway. I get it, the ideology behind the word “race” came from the birth of African slavery in America, this type of slavery was different than the others, because this type was built on a system that was able to continue and enslave the minds of everybody, I get it, okay. I know the history, but you know what I’m tired of? Black people that don’t want to be held accountable for their actions simply because of race. They blame it on the “white man” shit like they have no control over their actions or lives. I do know that there are people out here not using their brains at all, basically controlled almost entirely off of influences, not actually making a sound decision on their own, but at the end of the day, we still have a choice. Racism does not take away your personal responsibility as a fuckin’ person.
This gray area of being black & white is hard for me and I’m still trying to understand it after 28 years.
The American mentality is a part of all of us. That “take what you want” type of mentality, that color fight, that bias, the inevitable European doctrine people partake in without notice. This is the first time I will ever use this phrase for myself and be serious; I am woke! I was asleep for so long, but once I got up and decided to open my mouth, people hated me, loved me, loved to hate me and hated to love me. I don’t love being black, but I don’t hate being black either, I hate being in a world that has to have me question what exactly am I. You know what, I’m glad the world made me question the blackness, the whiteness, the everything! It made me the person I am today. I’m still dealing with it everyday here in the land of the brain dead.
Want me to keep writing shit like this? Become a Patron for as low as $1 a month. Who knows, I might write about you!